Calendar Boys
by hatsford
Summary: Very silly one shot parody of the young 'teen' magazines which have been getting a bad press in the UK recently, due to their adult themes.


Calendar Boys 

"Ok, what's the joke?" asked Harry, looking suspiciously at the tablemat under which Tonks had swiftly hidden something that looked like a newspaper. He supposed it was another slanderous story about him in the Daily Prophet. Now that her year was up Rita Skeeter, special correspondent, had returned to ridiculing Harry in a vain effort to save Cornelius Fudge's job as Minister Of Magic.

Nobody said anything so Harry studied their faces carefully, Ginny and Tonks were sniggering, trying very hard not to laugh out loud. Hermione was looking apprehensively at him, this was rarely a good sign. Ron was looking redder than usual (which for a freckled red headed Weasley was no mean feat), another bad sign thought Harry. Remus was looking too innocent, rather like the Twins after a prank, Harry became even more apprehensive.

"Why don't you open your post Harry?" suggested Remus, a little too nonchalantly.

At this point Ginny lost it completely and exploded into fits of giggles.

Harry noticed the rolled up package sat on his breakfast plate and unraveled it cautiously, in case it should prove jinxed. But it wasn't a letter, a magazine and a calendar fell out.

_Dear Mr. Potter,_

_We would like to offer our congratulations. Our readers here at Teen Witch, have voted you 'most sexy hunk of the year'. We enclose a copy of our magazine charting your magnificent victory._

_We further write to ask if you would be prepared to participate in our fund raising for St Mungo's hospital. We are producing a calendar featuring the twelve nominated 'hunks' and would beg your participation as Mr. December. We assure you that the calendar, as in previous years, will be done with the utmost decency. We enclose a copy of last year's calendar for your perusal._

_Finally if you could find time to write an article or piece for our magazine and perhaps send us some signed photographs of yourself that could be used as prizes for one of our competitions we would be grateful._

_Yours truly, _

…

In shock Harry glanced at the magazine's cover. Where a picture of himself stood winking, holding the Hogwarts Quidditch cup aloft.

_Inside we reveal who you voted Most Sexy Hunk of the Year, who are we kidding it's the 'Boy Who Lived' of course…_

_You too can have Harry Potter's hair, our step-by-step guide to recreating The Boy Who Lived's incredible style._

_FREE INSIDE 'Harry Potter Curse Scar' transfer. A real stick on imitation Harry Potter Curse Scar tattoo that glows in the dark!_

_Also our unmissable guide to love potions to guarantee you ensnare Wizard Right._

_Plus the top 10 beautification charms; reduce that excess flab, increase your bust size, reduce your buttocks, increase the size of your boyfriends …_

Harry stopped reading, as by now everyone else even Hermione, was now on the floor laughing uproariously. It was with some trepidation that he turned to the Calendar.

He opened it to January, there facing away from him, but grinning over his shoulder and waving was a familiar young wizard sat on his broom, wearing … absolutely nothing!

Oliver Wood, 18, (currently the reserve keeper with Puddlemere Utd) likes nothing more than playing quidditch and catching the quaffle. With his finely polished Wood, we rearly think Oliver's quite a catch too.

Harry dropped the Calendar as he fainted.

The world slowly swam back into focus, to the tune of uproarious laughter as Ron and Remus helped him over to the couch in the sitting room. Harry managed to separate out people and voices, even the bloody portrait of Mrs. Black was laughing instead of screeching!

As he slowly focused, Harry wondered how they knew and how Tonks had got hold of another copy of 'Teen Witch'. "Wait a minute," he said "Ron did you get any post this morning?"

Ron stopped laughing immediately and turned beetroot red.

"Our ickle Ronniekins is going to be Mr. July," added Ginny slyly, to which Ron suggested that Ginny participate in an anatomically impossible act. Before denying he was going to do the calendar.

"I'm afraid you are Ron, while you were helping Harry over to the couch we filled in the acceptance forms on both of your behalves and sent Pig away with them", added Hermione. "Just remember it's for charity."

Ron's reply was a non-to charitable suggestion, Harry's reply was to faint again.

This time Harry came round to hear Hermione and Ginny screams, drifting down from upstairs combined with Ron's bellows of rage. Perhaps Ron had managed to get Hermione and Ginny to do as he had earlier suggested. A polite cough turned his attention to the fire where he noticed Albus Dumbledore's head there watching him. "Ah Harry, I've been waiting to speak to you about an important matter. It's my brother Aberforth, he wants to know if you and Mr. Weasley could get his grand niece a signed Calendar for her bedroom wall." Dumbledore grinned, waved a Teen Witch press release and then winced as Harry viciously prodded his head with the poker.


End file.
